Whispers in the Classroom
The Calculated Art of Emotional Provocation
I laugh out loud every time I think about an aspect of this story, yet these stories are more sad than funny.
One year, as a teacher of ten-year-old’s, I had a child in my classroom with identified challenging behavioral issues. This presented one of the many windows from which a teacher observes and experiences human behavior in the making.
Early in the year, his behavior was quite evident. He would stir up the emotions of other children on purpose, so that they would get fed up and complain to me. This behavior was usually done in recess, or during transitions from one place to another during the school day.
His intent was to nag on the classmates to the point that they would then come to complain strongly to me, which then required that I call attention to his behavior.
However, his goal in nagging and bothering the other children, was primarily to get the opportunity to act strongly against any directive that would come from me as a result of his behavior. He wanted attention, and he wanted to be seen acting negatively and obnoxiously toward me.
One day the child targeted had had enough, and complained that he was bothering her, and if could I make him stop.
When I asked what he was doing, she hesitated, then said, ‘he keeps telling me I have big ears”.
I could see how the child could be bothered by that, but at the same time, I thought it was really funny.
The funny part to me now, is how I had to pretend that situation was not funny at all.
At the time, I found it quite amusing that this boy knew exactly what buttons to push on his classmates to get them to react the way he wanted them to.
I advised this little girl that I would take care of it, but to try really hard to ignore him, as the stronger the reaction from her, the more he would want to continue to bother her. Thinking about it now, I was basically asking her to be more aware and more in control of her reactions. Thankfully, she was ok with the suggestion.
I kept an eye on him, but pretended to not have understood her complaint, and did not give him the attention in the way he was specifically waiting for.
By shifting my approach, I noticed a change in his behavior.
The sad part of the story is that there are many of us walking around with these child-like behaviors without recognizing it, naively or on purpose.
We want the attention at what ever cost. Trampling and undermining values, morals, ethics, or simply out of ignorance.
If we are at the receiving end, many times we are on auto pilot, and are not aware of the patterns. We are too distracted to make the connections.
Also, there are many little things about us, thoughts or behaviors that we overlook because we think they are insignificant, but they matter more than we know.
They are building these conditioned responses that build and build until we lose the ability to discern whether they are interfering with our ability to be the person we want to be.
A Minute Lens into Impulses and Embedded Behavioral Conditioning
These patterns of behavior can manifest in various ways, often unnoticed until they become problematic. Another teacher challenge comes to mind. This was another of my 10-year-old male students. He had developed the bad habit of bonking others on the back of the head every chance he got. Imagine that!
To him it was a harmless joke. I could see it was a conditioned automatic response.
He would walk around with the urge to act out this bad habit all day long. After having caught him doing this more than once, he would look at me every time he wanted to attempt this behavior on someone else.
This is how I knew it was frequent. In this particular case, the targeted students didn’t complain. Likely also conditioned to think it was no big deal. One day, he contemplated bonking a child, while the child was drinking water from a water fountain.
As it had become the norm, he looked at me first. I took him aside and I asked him to take a moment to do one thing. I asked him to imagine whether his joke would be as funny if his classmate ended up bumping his teeth against the water fountain. I wonder how long it took this child to fully overcome his bad habit, but I know that on that day for a few moments, he truly listened.
This moment of awareness highlights the broader truth about our behaviors. Just as these children navigated their challenges, many of us carry similar patters into adult hood. Some of these patterns may not be hurting others, they may be hurting us.
The patterns we ignore today become the invisible chains that constrain our potential tomorrow.
Breaking the Cycle: Awareness as the Path to Intentional Living
As we reflect on these patterns, it raises an important question: How aware are we of our unconscious behaviors, and how do they shape our lives?
If you're ready to explore these questions further and seek guidance in your journey, consider accessing a coaching program to help you gain clarity and develop intentional strategies for change.
Every unconscious reaction should be a crossroads—an invitation to break free from inherited scripts and author a more intentional life.
The goal isn't to become flawless; it's to acknowledge our shortcomings and cultivate courage. Courage to witness our own conditioning and choose a different, more aligned path.
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